I have heard it a lot through the years, working as a nanny and sometimes from friends who have kids. Sometimes, I’ll be honest, I agreed with their statements. Other times, I thought they were just looking for a compliment or for someone to justify their actions. But now, as a new mom myself, I have found myself feeling the same way. And trust me, every mother has said it at least once... a day... since the birth of her first child!
“I’m a terrible mother!”
I am terrible because my kids are in daycare or because I stay home and don’t help provide my kids a better financial future. Because I don’t spend enough time with the kids or because I spend too much time with the kids that I’m pulling my hair out. Because I didn’t breastfeed, my 3 year old isn’t potty trained yet, the house is a mess, I don’t feed them all organic food, they don’t take naps, I’ve gained too much weight, I won’t let them wear “those” clothes, their curfew is a half hour before their friends’, and the list goes on and on and on. It seems like no matter what we do there is always a critic and always someone who appears to be doing it better and that makes us feel terrible.
Why do we live thinking this way? Why do we think that we are not “good” at being mothers? Do we think every other mother knows something that we don’t? What is the standard we are holding ourselves to? The overarching question we are all asking is; What makes a “good” mother? But is that even the right question?
I think the better question, that will hopefully put an end to the “terrible” thinking is;
What is the goal of my parenting?
What makes me a good mom or not is not what I do when (if!) my kids nap, if they eat all organic, or if they are happy, etc. What makes me a good mom is if I accomplish the things I set out to accomplish in my mothering of my children.
Do I have a goal? And is what I am doing day in and day out achieving that goal? If we do not have a goal, then we will not have anything to measure our actions to. If you do not have a goal, I challenge you to think about this. It is very hard to hit what you’re not aiming for. You only have 216 months (6574 days) until your child reaches 18. That is not very much. Do you want to just survive this season of parenting or do you want to thrive by reaching the end knowing you did everything you could to invest in the next generation?
If our goal is simply to get through each day not visiting the ER and to get the kids in bed before midnight with food in their bellies, to make our kids happy, or to let them navigate life themselves being their “friend” or “coach”, then our kids will probably survive, but our parenting is not going to leave a lasting impact.
So how do you set a goal for your parenting that will make the 18 short years leave a lasting impact?
You pray. Pray and ask God (with humility), “Thank you for giving me this important role as a mother, what do You want my parenting to look like? What do You think of my current parenting? Where do I need to grow or change things I am currently doing? Please help me to make any changes You call me to.”
For Jeremy and I, we started asking this question when we first found out we were pregnant. We didn’t have an answer right away, but after some more recently conversations we have decided our goal of parenting is; to raise Gospel-centered children who live according to God's commands out of love for Him, recognizing that they are unconditionally loved by us and by God, and we will do this by living out the Gospel to our children every day.
So when questions come up with regard to our parenting our children, we weigh them according to that goal and we pray about them. Does this choice demonstrate the Gospel and treat my children the way God treats me; sacrificing for them, putting their need above my own, showing grace, love and mercy? Is this choice loving my children unconditionally or is it loving myself, money, independance, etc. more than them? What is this choice going to make my child think?
While it was always my desire to be a stay at home mother, we live in a very expensive world. Questions like; is it possible to live on one income? would that mean I only see my husband in the middle of the night? would we be eating only rice and beans? started to plague my mind. But instead of worry, we prayed about it. And we looked at both avenues in light of our parenting goal. We felt the conviction that to invest the most in our children we should be the two people that spend the most waking time with them, and if that might means making sacrifices (like not having cable, no more beloved pedicures, waiting extra weeks between hair appointments, and other unnecessary to life things) so the kids could have food and diapers, then we would do whatever we needed to make it happen so we were fulfilling the goals God gave us.
I recognize that is not everyone’s situation, and I am by no means trying to make anyone feel like a terrible mother, that is simply what we feel God is calling us to do. I do not believe God is calling everyone to do the same thing. If you have prayed about your parenting and God has told you to stay at your job where He has purposes for you and that He will provide quality childcare for you, then by all means, follow God’s leading! (I’ve been a nanny, I know the importance of the job and that there is quality, Christian child care out there!) My point is too many of us do not stop to pray about these things because we don’t have a God-given goal, or we don’t make our choices in light of the parenting goal we are striving for and instead we make them based on our temporary perspective instead of God’s eternal perspective.
Our children are the most important thing we leave behind when we die. If we get one thing right beyond what we believe when it comes to Jesus and our salvation, it should be how we raise our children, the next generation to carry on the Gospel beyond what we could do.
Once you have a God-given goal for parenting and know that your parenting choices, big and small, are made in light of that goal, then you are a good mother in God’s eyes!
Then you can stop looking to the mothers around you, the mothers on TV, and the critical people around you for confirmation of whether or not you are a good or terrible mother and you can put your head on your pillow every night (or in the wee hours of the morning!) knowing you are doing exactly what God has called you to do and you can leave the results up to Him!
