I was ten. That’s when I first saw a nude photo of a woman. I was embarrassed, intrigued and somewhat confused. I knew this was not right, but I wasn’t sure why it wasn’t right. I told no one. It was my little secret. I thought a lot about what I saw… and I wanted to see it again. This was in 1982, so Al Gore had not invented the internet yet, so with no access to seeing more, I stored away the image deep within my mind.
Not long after while at a friend’s birthday party (a sleepover), a friend said “Hey, I’ve got something you guys need to see.” He put in a VHS Tape into his VCR… if you’re not sure what VHS and VCR means, just google it. Needless to say, what I saw on the tape was something I had never seen before, and to be honest with you, never knew existed.
Pornography.
I had no idea what that word even meant until years later, but it would NOT be an understatement to say that pornography destroyed me. Pornography took me down a path that I never intended to go, it kept me longer than intended to stay and it cost me more than I was willing to pay. It destroyed my mind. It destroyed my heart. It destroyed my view of women. It destroyed my view of God. It destroyed relationships. It destroyed me. Strong language for sure, but it's true… my journey into a fake world of pretend pleasure left me empty, scared, jaded, filled with shame, regret and self-hatred.
Today while reading in the Proverbs, I was in the chapter that describes in vivid detail what happens to most men as it relates to pornography… that would be chapter 7. “I saw some naive young men, and one in particular who lacked common sense… It was at twilight, in the evening, as deep darkness fell.” This young man who ‘lacks common sense’ is by himself and it’s late… and then he hears the words: “You’re the one I was looking for! Come, let’s drink our fill of love until morning. Let’s enjoy.” And when he sees her and hears these words, well, to his destruction he runs… “He followed her at once, like an ox going to the slaughter. He was like a stag caught in a trap, awaiting the arrow that would pierce its heart.”
Pornography works like this. It’s available… all the time. It’s inviting… all the time. It promises pleasure… all the time. It promises what it cannot give (comfort, pleasure, freedom, relief, etc.) and it leaves you with what you don’t want (addiction, guilt, shame, exhaustion, etc.).
When I was lost in world of pornography, my view of God and women radically changed, and not for the better. I began to believe that God was holding out on me. I began to believe that everything that God was refusing to give me (namely pleasure and gratification) could be found through pornography. My view of women changed from seeing them as people who bear the image of God to objects intended for my pleasure. Even writing that sickens my heart, but that’s what pornography does – it sickens and pollutes one’s heart and mind.
Can God heal my view of Him? Can God heal my view of women? Absolutely… He has! But it’s hard to experience healing while still consuming the very thing that is destroying your heart and head. In many ways, I was like the young, simple and immature man in Proverbs 7. I was told to stay away time and time again, but when I heard the invitation 'come back', I would. Knowingly walking down a road I knew would leave me off worse than when I came, I still said yes. And afterwards, I always would say ‘never again’, that is until the next time it happened. Pornography keeps you in a vicious cycle.
Is there freedom from the snares and traps of pornography? Is it really possible to live free from the destructive forces that is pornography? Absolutely! The concept of freedom was so appealing to me, but I never thought freedom was achievable. Then something happened to change my mind... to change my heart.
I was trying to find something that was already given me. I was working towards something I already had.
Jesus once said “So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free.” (John 8:36)
In other words, if you know Jesus, you are free… He has set you free! Our goal is not freedom. Jesus has already accomplished that through His life, death, and resurrection – that is the good news of the Gospel. But here’s the key to freedom – choosing every day to live free. Every decision I made to indulge in pornography was a decision to choose chains over freedom. Every time I chose to say ‘yes’, I was saying ‘no’ to living free.
I am thankful that Jesus has set me free. I am thankful that despite destroying my mind and heart through the toxicity that is pornography, God has graciously healed me. I am thankful that I do not have to work towards something that I already have been given. And, I am thankful that God has graciously given me His Spirit to help me chose to live free everyday.
Pornography destroyed much of my life. The good news is that Jesus can and has redeemed the years that I lost. He can and will for you too. If you are lost in a world you’d rather not be in, a world that is turning you into the type of person you never dreamed of being – my invitation to you is simply this: turn to the Son. He and He alone will set you free… and through his Spirit at work in you, He will enable you to choose freedom every day!
Every day, please remember that you can say with confidence and conviction, because of Jesus, “I AM FREE!”
